For a couple of weeks now my little pumpkin has been saying to me every night at bedtime, “Daddy be back soon”. It has warmed my heart to know at her wee two years of life she understands so much more than I expected. I have shared these moments with my hubby, who’s currently deployed now three months, and he has questioned me about the circumstances in which she is saying this…have I mentioned him coming home, have I said those words to her and is she just repeating what I say, am I just trying to make him feel better. His constant concern about his little girl not remembering him is worn right on his sleeve and he cant do anything to hide it from me. We both have wondered just how much she understands and what she thinks of him being away from us.
But tonight it all changed, tonight I realized this little Angel of mine understands more than I could ever imagine a little two year old could. Tonight as I tucked her into bed and she jumped back out for that one last hug before she snuggled up with her owl, she pulled away from me and held my face in her two tiny little hands. She gently stroked my face and smiled that perfect angelic smile of hers and she said “its okay Mummy, Daddy be back soon”. She may have gazed for just a second so deep into my soul I felt our connection stronger than I had ever before. At that moment I realized what she had been doing these past few weeks. December being such a huge month for us, her Birthday, Our Wedding Anniversary, Christmas…I had been running circles around myself trying to make it all just perfect, trying to keep up my spirits for her and make every occasion as special as I could, so that we wouldn’t feel that empty spot, that missing piece to our puzzle. But she saw right through me, I may as well have been wearing my emotions on my sleeve too…’Daddy be back soon’.
Those four words that I had been hearing as a question were in fact a statement. All this time she was comforting me and letting me know I didn’t need to be sad. Well of course its impossible to not be sad, but she was just trying to show me what I needed to see, which was her. As much as I was doing all that I did for her I was doing it for me too, where all she really needed or wanted was me.
How did I come to this conclusion? Well after I lay her down and sat in the glider watching her slowly drift to sleep I thought about what she said and our day started to unfold in my mind. After our very busy Christmas we took today to be lazy and watch movies. Given I also managed to clean and re-organize my house to get it back to some sort of normalcy, but it was a lazy day. However as I did dishes this morning she came over to me and said “Mummy come dance”, and when I told her I would in just a second, she insisted I leave the dishes and dance with her. So I did, and it felt great, just skipping and twirling and laughing, all to the sound of her sweet voice and contagious laugher. Later on I was mopping after lunch and she came over and asked me to sit, she took my face in her tiny little hands and said “I love you” and kissed me and pranced away. It’s the little things that matter, little reminders that she’s here, she’s here for me not the other way around. That she has an unconditional love for me that can with stand anything, no matter what I do!
I sit here typing this up thinking of all these emotions flowing through me and I am unable to express them all…all I hear is ‘Daddy be back soon’. I sit here on the glider in her room as she sleeps so soundly, oblivious of the howling wind outside or the tapping of keys on my laptop as I type out my emotions and thoughts to the best of my abilities. I can’t bare to get up and walk out just yet, I want to be near her, to hear the sound of her breathing. I know that when I get up and leave the room I will miss her and want to go back in and climb into bed with her. Oh how love that I get to spend every day with her and I don’t have to leave her side unless I choose to. When I do leave her I miss her terribly and hurry back as fast as I can! I have been telling myself that I need to be there for her as Mother and Father and not be away from her for more than a tiny bit so she doesn’t feel like her Mommy has left too. But tonight I realize it has all been for me. I need to be with her so I don’t feel completely alone. I miss her Daddy so much that I can’t bare to let her go for very long.
‘Daddy be back soon’…she sees right through me, my sweet little two year old has me all figured out! She is truly my little Angel. Her sweet disposition and polite mannerisms are just a few of her many amazing qualities. I have been asked by so many how I am coping, as a single Mom with the stress of a deployed husband and being so far away from my family. Well besides my amazing support system right on my street and family and friends who do so much to keep me going from all over the World…there are days when I want to go home and lay my head on my Mum’s lap and let her smooth my hair back and tell me everything is going to be ok. But then I think of how I need to be here and let my sweet Angel put her head on my lap and I can smooth her hair back and tell her everything is going to be ok. The truth of the matter is, in theory, I am laying my head on her tiny lap and she is smoothing my hair back and telling me everything is going to be ok…’Daddy be back soon’.
My little Rock, wise in her two years of life, has opened my eyes so much tonight. I know for a fact that when her Daddy does in fact get back she will race back into his arms when she sees him and erase all doubts he has of her memories of him and love for him. I picture that day every day and will do so for the coming six months till he returns home to us. I know he will have his little girl finally safely nestled in his arms and she won’t have to play the big role she is playing right now of being Mummy’s little Rock. Yes my sweet Angel…Daddy will be back soon…